Do you know what depression is like?

I was asked today why I wasn't happy anymore. It forced me to acknowledge that my depression is back. The friend who asked about my happiness was surprised when I shared that I wasn't unhappy, I was depressed. I asked if she knew what depression is like. She asked me to explain. I constantly battle depression, which is simply inexplicable sadness. Sometimes, it licks at my heels like a dark mist that wants to overtake me. Other times, it crawls up my spine and reminds me that I'm not good enough. And there are moments that it blankets me in darkness and separates me from a life I know is full of blessings and joy. It's a sadness that latches on and overwhelms me with emotion. And very few people know I battle it. Most often, I win the battle, but other times, I can't shake it and all I want to do is cry.

I used to take medication for it. And then I started getting more physically active and no longer needed the meds. That was a proud moment for me, but rather than own it and remember that the victory was only as good as the humility and gratitude that accompanied it, I covered it up. I hid it from people because so many people see me as strong and steady. Some joke that my clerical collar is showing when I'm around, and others tell me that talking to me feels like being in prayer. So, my ego clashed with my humility and the comradeship it found with my shame drove me to keep it under wraps.

My friend noticed that things were off. Lately, I've found myself responding inappropriately to small things. Offhand comments meant to be lighthearted became seeds of doubt that my very being was questionable. Things that I usually can shake off or put in proper perspective grew larger than they were and took on a life that seemed intent on diminishing mine. So, I finally swallowed my pride and reached out today. Within minutes of a Facebook post, a dear friend sent a bible verse, "For I the Lord your God hold your right hand; I am the Lord, Who says to you, Fear not; I will help you!"--Isaiah 41:13. So, again, God showed up, just when I needed Him most. He showed up through this friend and other friends around the world. I felt loved and cared for and worthy. I felt His helping hand. 

God's perfection shows in natures imperfections

Part of my descent into the depression was not allowing myself to recognize the really big things in my life that legitimately trigger my depression. Instead, I've wrapped my overwhelming sadness in a patchwork quilt created by the pain others have. I thought that if I helped them, even by simply listening and giving a hug, it would make my own pain disappear. But like anything left untreated, my own depression simply festered. Now I know that ignoring it could have been a recipe for disaster. 

I'm going through a lot of major change in my life and the truth is, it frightens me. I will soon be divorced and I agonize over the effects that decision has had on my children, the pain I caused my spouse, and the estrangement it has created with people I care a great deal about. I'm ashamed to say that I pray a lot for their healing, but I fear my prayers have become no more than rote templates that I've started reciting out of habit, rather than out of a true desire to connect with my faith and my blessings.  And I know I have to pray for my own healing as well. Like many, I put myself last in a lot of things, and prayers for my peace of mind are last on my list. So, I thank God others are keeping me in their prayers when I forget to ask for God's grace on my own.

One thing I did today was start moving again. I walked two miles in one of my favorite parks and was surrounded by nature. From song birds, to slowly meandering waterways, to spring flowers scattering the forest floor, I was reminded that I can find solace and serenity from the toxic noise in my head by taking time out to reconnect with real life.   I've allowed my health to suffer for years now and I know that contributes to my depression. When I started a more active lifestyle years ago, it was the very thing that that allowed me to put the antidepressants down.

But, I may not be able to do it without therapeutic medication and I'll accept that.  Although I know there is no shame in using medication for people like me who may need it to manage depression, I also know there is far too little respect given to those who suffer from mental illness. It's that shame that drove me to hide my depression and it's that same shame that drives some to take their own lives. I believe those fatal decisions are the extreme manifestation of all the little negative voices in our heads and in our hearts that drive some to unbearable despair. I don't want to be a statistic. Thankfully, I haven't had those terrible conversations with myself that lead to irreversible mistakes which would impact those around me with grief and so many unanswered questions. 

The second thing I did was to reach out to my people and let them know what I was really feeling.  Sometimes, strong people have this implicit belief that we aren't allowed to show our vulnerability. Reaching out today brought so many reminders that I am loved. And those who reached back to help me feel less alone have helped prevent me from facing those demons that isolate me from loved ones and destroy my feelings of self-worth. Those friends who showed great courage in sharing that they too have depression and understand, along with those friends that simply reached out with real or virtual hugs are instrumental in getting me back on track. This battle of mine is a lifelong journey, but knowing that I have an army of people that care about me and see my worth when I can't gives me the courage to keep fighting. Thank you.

“I’m afraid to read my Bible.”

A dear friend of mine is going through an enlightening personal journey of self-discovery. She is a lesbian and has struggled for decades to suppress how she’s hard-wired, largely because the church she grew up in told her it was a sin. So, as she moves into a more authentic relationship with herself and her loved ones, she’s struggling with her Christian faith and the fear instilled in her of eternal damnation. She was raised in a very fundamental Southern Baptist tradition, where so much of what was taught was prescriptive and based on the fear of God’s wrath, rather than the promise of His everlasting love and salvation.

She’s not alone in her struggle. Countless people struggle with de-programming from a regiment of prescriptive living that aspires to perfection and denigrates those who can’t achieve the impossible, oppressive expectations set by their church. So many gay and lesbian Christians have engaged in a lifetime of self-destruction and self-loathing because of those beliefs. Tragically, we have lost far too many precious souls to suicide because of the desperate battle waged between who they are and who they are told they should be.

I have learned that God shows up for my friend in song and in scripture. And most recently, she was compelled to read Galatians, Chapter 3. When she read it by herself, it fell flat, largely because she takes up her Bible these days with trepidation, fearful that what she will read will continue to reinforce her belief that she’s not worthy of God’s love simply because she is gay.

As I read it with her, it reflected her internal struggle and reminds us that Christ’s coming means  ALL of us have everlasting life because of our faith and belief in His salvation.

In Galatians 3:3, Paul passionately asks the Galatians if they have gone completely crazy.  We can imply that the Galatians are struggling with their faith in Christ’s teachings and the habit of following Jewish law. Paul reminds them that obeying Jewish law never gave them spiritual life in the first place, so trying to obey those laws now won’t make them stronger Christians. He states in Galatians 3:5, “I ask you again, does God give you the power of the Holy Spirit and work miracles among you as a result of your trying to obey the Jewish laws? No, of course not. It is when you believe in Christ and fully trust him”

Then, Paul reminds us of the purity of Abraham’s faith in God. In Galatians 3:6, he states, “Abraham had the same experience—God declared him fit for Heaven only because he believed in God’s promises. If the purity of Abraham’s faith in God, which was not steered by Jewish Law, or the Ten Commandments later given to Moses, was enough to gain God’s grace; how can we not trust God’s ultimate promise, which He bestowed upon us through the sacrifice of his Son?

Many may ask why we were given the Ten Commandments and laws as outlined in Leviticus. It was because after the promise given to Abraham and prior to the coming of Christ, we had become what some may call drunk and disorderly, and we needed the reminder that we are God’s children and needed to live by a moral code. However, Leviticus took Jewish law to a new level, beyond even that of the Ten Commandments. Some debate that much of what was written really was man’s law, presented as God’s. We tend to forget the political landscape and social mores of the time dictated a lot of the laws that are largely ignored today.

Paul goes on to explain the difference between the Jewish law and the freedom of resting in our faith in Christ alone. Paul ends this chapter by stating quite eloquently in Galatians 3:24-29, “But now that Christ has come, we don’t need those laws any longer to guard us and lead us to him. For now we are all children of God through faith in Jesus Christ and we who have been baptized into union with Christ are enveloped by him. We are no longer Jews or Greeks or slaves or free men or even merely men and women, but we are all the same—we are Christians; we are one in Christ Jesus. And now that we are Christ’s we are the true descendants of Abraham, and all of God’s promises to him belong to us.”

Simply put in today’s terms, Christianity available to ALL of us. The faith we practice and nurture comes to us through God’s love and his promise that by simply believing in Christ, we shall enjoy everlasting life and God’s grace.

So I can say to my dear friend with complete conviction, we will not be damned for being gay, we will only be damned for turning away from Christ.